Many of us would have grown up in a family which reflected the beliefs of society and one of those beliefs was and still is – that I can make others do what I want – even when they do not want to! We do this by creating enough pleasure or pain (i.e. rewards or punishment) while attempting to control, coerce, and force others to do what we believe is ‘right’.

Most families, schools, businesses, organizations, and governments still adhere to this belief, and it is holding onto this belief that we have done so much harm to one another – harm to ourselves, to individuals, to families, communities, organisations, or countries. Do you remember being rewarded or punished when someone was trying to get you to do what they wanted you to do?

This controlling, coercing & forcing has created widespread misery across the world.  It is intergenerational and has been used by our ancestors, parents, grandparents, teachers, leaders and considered to be ‘common sense’. All those coercive behaviours have the underlying belief that if I just persist with this behaviour long enough, I can make another person do what I want!

This belief of ‘I can control others and others can control me’, is by far, the greatest source of human misery. It can leave us feeling lonely, depressed, anxious, sad, no sense of self, and many other symptoms that are commonly labelled as mental illness. These are all symptoms of unsatisfactory relationships with self and others because our attempts to control one another destroy the very relationships we need to feel safe, connected and valued.

If you experience any of the previous misery, you could be involved in one or more of four variations of essentially the same ‘attempting to control someone else’ situation:

1. You wanted someone else to do what s/he refused to do.
2. Someone else was trying to make YOU do something you did not want to do.
3. Both you and someone else were trying to make each other do what neither wanted to do.
4. You were trying to force yourself to do something you found painful and/or even impossible to do.

These beliefs and attempts to control one another destroy the relationships we all need and contributes to the major problems we struggle with in our societies today such as verbal abuse, violence, crime, child abuse and addictions.

How can we maintain quality relationships without attempting to control one another?

Changing our belief and our behaviours to develop quality relationships and improve our mental wellbeing.

Choice Theory states that while we may be influenced by what is happening outside of us, our behaviour and how we respond to it, is generated from within ourselves. Our behaviours are our emotions, our thoughts, our actions, and our physiology as we attempt to stay safe, to care and be cared for, and to feel that we all matter!

Choice Theory says that ‘the only person’s behaviour I can control – is my own – and all I ever receive from the outside world is information. How I respond to that information from the ‘real world’ is a choice I can make’.

A change in this fundamental understanding that all our behaviour is internally motivated while attempting to satisfy our needs to feel safe, connected and valued – is a ‘game changer’. The big question remains:

‘How can I satisfy my needs without denying others of the same opportunity to satisfy their needs?’

 

We all need connected and caring relationships.

There is currently a huge shift by many practitioners, mental health professionals, schools and organisational leaders around the world, who now realise that our wellbeing can be determined and changed by the quality of our relationships.

From one human being to another, we all need relationships that include a sense of belonging, caring for self and others, and a feeling that we all matter is crucial to one’s ability to feel physically and emotionally safe.

Perhaps the greatest gift that we have as human beings is the ability to choose. Ultimately a choice to form connected and caring relationships is within our control.

What is your choice?

What are you willing to change and what are you willing to do?

How can we do it together?

How can we create connected and caring relationships within our own lives, our families, and communities and for the world in which we live?

(Choice Theory, Reality Therapy & Lead Management – Dr William Glasser)